Pain

I've been pretty quiet on here lately. You know Thumper's advice ; if you can't say something nice then don't say it at all (or something like that.) Well, cancer is starting to kick my butt. Not so much emotionally but physically I am taking a beating. And I just didn't feel like coming on here and complaining. I feel like, if I do complain, even just a little, then I'm letting cancer win. And we sure as heck can't let cancer win so I just kept my mouth shut. And I hate the pity eyes. I don't want people to look at me with all that pity and sadness brewing behind their eyes. I just want to be normal. But today I was thinking about how I have always tried to tell my story honestly, and it's not exactly honest if I don't tell all the parts of it. And my worst fear is that someone who is going through cancer treatment and suffering will come across my blog and think "Wow, she is doing fine and I'm in all of this pain and discomfort - what is wrong with me?" That would just be awful. Because I'm not fine. Nothing about this is fine. When people ask me how I am, my latest response has been "I'm hanging in there." Because I'd be lying if I said I was fine. Or even ok. I'm not ok. It's ok that I'm not ok, it's to be expected that I'm not ok. I say I'm hanging in there because I'm literally hanging on by my fingertips. And although some people might argue with me, they really don't want to hear my list of complaints. That is no fun. So I save most of my complaining for my poor husband and some of my family members and to everyone else I say I'm hanging on. And even still, I waited to write this until I was out of the worst of the yuck, just so I could sound a little bit more positive. If I would have written this last week it probably would have been filled with an exceptional amount of whining and swear words, haha! 

I had a nasty cold on Christmas day and it lasted about a week. I had a cold still when I went in for my 4th round of chemotherapy. This last round I was so so nauseous. Just so sick to my stomach all day long. I think it was worse because I still had drainage and yuck from my cold happening so that made everything worse. And the hand/foot syndrome has kicked my butt this time around. 

It's hard to tell in this picture, but everywhere other than the arch of my feet had huge blisters so now all that skin is brand new and super sensitive. Every step is painful. I have been wearing my slippers everywhere just because normal shoes are too painful. I wish this picture conveyed exactly how awful it has been. My kids come home from school and I'm in bed - simply because I just can't handle walking around my house. Or touching anything because of my painful hands.

Oh my poor hands. I could not have typed this out 2 days ago - my hands hurt way too much to do much of anything. I mean, seriously, buttoning my pants made me want to cry it hurt so much. I cried out in pain last night when I tried to open a water bottle. How stupid is that?! It's a water bottle! I feel like I just can't do anything - between the painful feet and the painful hands - I'm pretty much useless. It's annoying and frustrating but not as frustrating as my bag.

I lose weight every cycle, about 5 pounds, the first week of every round. I gain it back over the next two weeks. This time I haven't gained it back yet. It is bad when I lose weight, I'm not trying to keep it off. All the weight fluctuations have caused major problems with my bag. I have a picture of my stoma and the painful, violently red skin around it but there is no way I would ever EVER post it. I have had a few leaks which are horrific and demoralizing and make me never want to leave my house. Thank goodness, by some huge miracle, they have never occurred when I am out and about but it cannot be overstated how much I hate this awful bag.

This is hard. This is incredibly hard. I'm trying my best to stay positive but things are hard. I'm so tired. So so tired. Every medicine I take - one of the side effects is fatigue. And wow, I sure do feel fatigued. I'm physically fatigued but also emotionally. I'm tired of being cancer girl. I can't believe this happened to us. I'm determined to beat this, to put this is my past. I know I am so close. Two more rounds of chemo - Jan 20th and Feb 9th. Then surgery, probably sometime at the beginning of March. I'm terrified for my next two rounds - terrified. Things are just getting to be so hard. I just want this all to be over and for me to be alive at the end of it. When I was first diagnosed, I tried to find blogs similar to mine. I found a handful, and all of the writers of those blogs had passed away. Every single one of them. It was so scary to me. I'm not being melodramatic - this really is scary. I just want that weight to be lifted. I'm ready for the easy life. Or at least easier...