how I am

It seems like every time I log on to Facebook, I see a link to a gofundme account or something similar, which has been set up on behalf of a young person who has recently been diagnosed with cancer. Is it just me or does it seem like all of a sudden - cancer is absolutely EVERYWHERE! And with each diagnosis that I hear about, I feel like, all things considered, I have gotten off pretty easy as far as cancer is concerned. My cancer is curable. Thank goodness.

So having said that, I have struggled with what I should write on here as an update. I am doing quite well. I get a little stronger every day. I've been off the pain meds for about 4 days now. I am not even taking Motrin or anything like that. We went on about a mile long walk yesterday. I am about 85% back to normal. I am actually a little surprised with how well my healing is going. I know it is because of all the prayers being offered on my behalf.

That is all good news. The thing that gives me pause is the fact that I hate this ostomy bag. I hate it with a passion that burns bright and deep. I can't really talk about it without crying. I feel disgusting and gross and just... oh it's just awful. I feel like yelling at anyone who told me it wasn't that big of a deal. They were LYING. LYING! This is just as awful as I knew it was going to be and I wish they would have been straight with me and told me it was awful because I knew it and them telling me it wasn't too bad, it made me feel silly for worrying about it. But no, I had every right to worry about it. It is actually way worse than I thought it was going to be.

Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to fart out of your stomach as you are visiting with friends? I mean, LOUD! Gurgly! Or to poop out of your stomach as you are eating your dinner? How do you think that smells when I have to empty my bag? I carry a bag of my poop around everywhere I go. It is big and awkward and does not work with any clothes I own. I will spare you the details of why. I just hate it. I get it that it saved my life, but it's just disgusting.

But see, I feel SO STUPID complaining about it. I should be so thankful. I am going to live. They got all the cancer. The pathology came back and out of the 23 lymph nodes they took out, only 1 node had cancer. That is the BEST NEWS EVER! I will still need to have 5 rounds of chemo just to make sure than anything that could be left in my bloodstream is eliminated. I was 1.5 cm away from having a permanent bag. That's about as close as you can get! I should spend every day in gratitude and thanksgiving.

And I do. I am thankful. I'm trying to be tough. And I really don't know if I should even post this. I don't want to seem ungrateful. I am so grateful. But I would be lying if I said that this has come without a cost. I know my cost is not as high, not even close to as high, as what others have lost. But I'm trying to be honest on this blog of mine, and I want to chronicle what is actually happening to me, not the happy little version that I could give you.

I had a follow up with my surgeon today. He said he could do the reversal 6 weeks after my tumor removal surgery. My oncologist wants me to wait to have my reversal (reversal is getting rid of the bag and letting me poop like a normal person) until after my chemo is over. I REALLY don't want to wait that long. So today we came up with a compromise. I will do 2-3 rounds of chemo and then have the reversal. This means that I will be having my reversal sometime in December. This actually would work out really great because that would mean I would get to have a break from chemo during Christmas which would be wonderful.

So that is where we stand. I'm doing good. I feel lucky to be having such a great recovery. I am so happy that the surgery went as well as could be hoped for. I'm trying to get used to this different way of life. I can't believe how much generosity and goodness has been shown to our family in the past two weeks. It is just overwhelming. I love you people. Thanks for hanging in there with me. xoxoxoxo