a letter to my future self

Dear Ashley,

Gosh, I am so jealous of you. Is that weird? To be jealous of yourself? I'm not sure if it is but I am so jealous of my future self. How does it feel to be cancer free? Is it just incredible? This weight that I carry around now, is it gone? Or you do you live in fear of cancer returning? I really hope you don't live in fear, that would be such a waste. But yes, I'm jealous of you. I'm actually more jealous of our past self though. I am currently obsessed with Taylor Swift's new album 1989 and I find myself crying during the break up songs. What the heck? I haven't been broken up with in a LONG time so what in the world is making me react this way? I realized that I feel like my pre-cancer life broke up with me and now I'm pining away for it. PC life was so cute! I miss it so much! PC life was so perfect, why did it ever leave me? Haha, it's kind of ridiculous. But I think it explains this heartbroken feeling that I have been feeling for a little while. We'll get over it, just like we got over all those boys, haha!

One of the things I have wondered is how this is all going to change me. And as I contemplate being {hopefully} done with cancer, I am hoping that I remember a few things so I decided to write some of them down so I don't forget. This may be the only time I do this or I might have to write a few letters to get it all out of my head. There is so much floating around in my head, I hope I can get some of it out.

First of all, I really need you to remember to be grateful for healthy days. Remember how awful you felt on chemo? Remember how limited and frustrating it was, to feel so yucky for days on end. I never again want to take for granted good health. I remember thinking this same thing when I had complications from endometriosis and ovarian cysts, remember all the pain? The constant pain? Then once I became pregnant with Wyatt, my miracle child, it all was gone. Ashley - you forgot. You forgot to be grateful for good health. You took it for granted, like it was just something that was normal or owed to you or something silly like that. It's not. People live in pain, people live in physical or emotional suffering every day and to have a healthy body that doesn't suffer - that is a gift. A GIFT. If one day this body of ours gets to be healthy - you be grateful for it every.single.day. Even if it gets wrinkled. Even if it gets flabby. Even if your entire stomach bears the scars of this experience - embrace all of it. Love all of it. Marvel at its usefulness, at its inherent beauty. And enjoy the gift of good health.

Second, and this is probably the most important, you need to remember all the hours you spent pleading with your Father in heaven to give you enough time here to raise your children. I get it - I'm crazy terrified for these 4 kids to become teenagers. I get it that things are gonna get harder. Part of my sorrow now is because I am being robbed of these golden years with my children - these years that all 4 of my kids still like me but I don't have a baby to hold us back. This year should have been spent enjoying this freedom and having a blast together and instead it's been just cancer cancer cancer. Yuck. I'm not telling you that you can't be normal - you will get frustrated and lose your cool at times. Of course. But please, please, please don't forget how much you wanted to live because of those babies. Cancer has changed me as a mother. I'm still far from perfect, but I do like this version of me better than the pre-cancer version. This is one change that I really hope remains and I need to not forget these lessons I have learned. Remember Ash, remember putting your babies to bed at night, singing them to sleep with tears running down your face because your heart just ached from the thought of ever leaving them - that has to change us. You MUST always remember what a privilege it is to be a mother, especially a mother to those four children. They are incredible and precious and you have to remember all of that when they are driving you crazy!

Ok let's talk about our incredibly hot husband. Gosh, he's so flippin hot, right?! Love that man. I'm not worried about you still loving him, or still thinking he is the most incredible man ever. We've thought that since about July 10, 2001 and I know nothing is going to change in that department. But let's just say he does something silly like leave the cereal box out every single day or pile trash into an already very full trash can - silly, insignificant stuff that will maybe bug ya over the years. Here is the thing, you are kind of not really allowed to ever be bugged at him again. He is a knight in shining armor, that one. He knows, more than anyone else, how hard this has all been. How disgusting. How terrifying. He has shared in all the ups, downs, the devastations. He has carried an enormous load. Current me isn't quite sure how he handles it all, I hope future Matt catches a few breaks. Current you needs to remember these things and give him a {hopefully} lifetime of love and patience.

Ok and I know I have said this before on here so I'm not going to go on and on about it but you need to keep in mind that you have no idea what is going on with the people around you. No one would have looked at you and thought 'oh, she must have cancer.' Just like you wouldn't know to look at a person if he or she has just lost a loved one, or lost a job, or has health problems, or a troubled child, or a crisis of faith. Life is hard. It is really, really hard. It's hard for everyone. Even little miss thing with her expensive car and perfectly dressed children and her super cute purse, she's got stuff too. Everyone does. So stop your judgmental little brattiness {it's ok - I can talk to myself like that, I know I'm a brat sometimes} and just be kind. Be nice, I know you can do it.

Lastly (for now) I need us to remember to take the time to show others you love them. Remember when you would have a day that was just straight out of hell itself (sorry to swear but really, those days exist and I couldn't think of any other word for them) and someone would send you a text message that just brought a sliver of light and love to those horrible days? I need you to promise me that whenever someone pops in your head and you think "I should do ___ for them" like I should send them a text or I should bring her a cupcake or I should have her kid over to play or ANYTHING - girl you better act on that thought. I get it that you are SO busy and life is SO crazy - but nothing is as important as loving and appreciating the people around us. Send the darn text Ashley. And if you get no response, REMEMBER how AWFUL you were at returning those sweet texts and emails and Facebook messages. You are literally the WORST at that. I know why - I know that some of them were just so incredible and so touching and so full of kindness that it was almost too emotional to read them, much less try to respond. I get it, I'm here now, I'm living it. It's hard to be on the receiving end of so much kindness. So yeah, you gotta remember that you don't know where people are emotionally, you don't know what is going on in their hearts, so if you don't get a response or if you don't think it made a difference, that's ok. At least you tried. But remember that it made a difference to you EVERY SINGLE TIME and it helped more than I can ever try to explain.

Ok Ash, I think that is it for now. Can't wait to be you and be done with all of this. Round 3 starts on Monday. Good news is that once I'm done with that round, I'm halfway through chemo. Bad news, ugh, I hate chemo. I really, really, REALLY hate chemo. I'm on a 2 week break right now and it's just so nice to feel so good. I'm trying to get all of Christmas done this week since I'll feel like junk all of next week. I'm sure you'd be crazy surprised to know that I'm not exactly on schedule, haha! I'd just really like for cancer not to ruin Christmas, ya know? Anyway, it will all work out one way or another. Be well, be happy, go hug those babies of ours and kiss that hot husband. Gosh I love them so much. Be good Ash.

Always,
Ashley

PS - hey anonymous blog reader! Speaking of Christmas, I am working on my Christmas cards. Maybe this is weird, but I would totally send you a Christmas card if you want to send me your address. Shoot me an email and I will send you a card - ma928ke (at) yahoo (dot) com. That is my junk email and a really not super great way to get a hold of me but I will be sure to check it often for the next few days. Thanks for checking in! xoxoxoxoxo