Thankful

Thank you notes and I have a long and sordid history. Haha. I managed to write all my thank you notes for my wedding gifts while I was attending cosmetology school. I had stacks and stacks of postcard thank you notes and would write them during lectures. I probably should have been paying attention... maybe that is why I don't do hair anymore!

When I was pregnant with the twins and had a baby shower, I bought the cutest thank you notes. They were a drawing of a boy and a girl in a field and I thought it was perfect since I was having a boy and a girl. I really did try to write all the thank you notes. I was on bedrest and it should have been easy for me to write them. But it seemed like no matter what position I tried to get my large belly into, I would have contractions. And to be honest, I was DONE being pregnant. I kept telling myself I would write those thank you notes when I wasn't in such a foul mood.

Well, the twins came 6 weeks early, after 47 hours of labor, weighing in at 4 pounds 9 ounces (Ethan) and 3 pounds 12 ounces (Kate.) They spent a week in the NICU and I had an interesting recovery. Once home, as you can imagine, my life was a little busy. Most of those thank you notes just didn't get written.

And I STILL feel guilty about it! 9, nearly 10 years later, and I feel so bad that I never officially recognized all the generosity and kindness that was shown to our tiny little family.

When the twins were baptized, a few people gave them some gifts (WHO KNEW?! I didn't know that was a thing. So nice!) and I was committed to making sure my children wrote thank you notes for all of those gifts. They did. Then they sat in my bookcase for YEARS. I just BARELY threw them away. Because really, who wants a thank you note from almost 2 years ago?

What is my problem? Seriously! I don't get it. Write the note, deliver it. NOT HARD. It's just not. I seriously am so annoyed at myself. It is at the point that I beg my friends on my birthday - please don't give me gifts! Really, please don't! I just have thank you note issues!

Maybe THIS is why I have cancer! Haha, this is what I'm supposed to learn from all this!

It's not that I'm not grateful. I'm overflowing with gratitude.

So anyway, I got cancer. And when I walked into my butt cancer party in June (don't know what I'm talking about? here is the link for that story)  and saw gifts, my lil heart panicked a little bit! Seriously! Because gifts mean thank you notes and I have such a bad record and the fact that people even came to a butt cancer party, much less that they brought gifts, I was so blown away from all the love and support that gifts just almost put me over the edge. For real. Just the kindness, the kindness is so overwhelming.

So on my way to my last chemo treatment, Matt and I stopped at the gift shop in the hospital and I bought two packs of thank you notes. I have THE LONGEST LIST EVER of people to send notes to. It's at the point that it's a little overwhelming. So I knew that I was going to be sitting there for 4 hours and it was the perfect opportunity to write all those notes.



I even had Matt take a picture! Look at me writing a thank you note. I am learning my lesson, so cancer doesn't have to come back, mmmm k.

Yeah so I made it through 5 notes before I got too emotional and had to stop.

Here is the thing. I'm going to do my best to describe my heart which is a challenge so bear with me.

I have this list of people and the things they have given me or done for me.

It is an amazingly long list.

I have tears rolling down my face as I write this.

Each name on that list and each thing that is written next to their name, it fills my heart with so much gratitude, joy, humility, wonder. I am amazed at how GOOD people are. They are so good. And I'm such a disaster, I feel so undeserving. I don't feel like I deserve any of this outpouring. It is so much and so wonderful, and I just almost don't understand why people are just so unbelievably kind. I almost can't take it all in.

So each note makes me cry. And I hate crying. I had an emotional day yesterday, Thanksgiving was emotional. I wasn't feeling good because of the shot, and here is the thing - I have an incredible amount of stuff to be grateful for. I have a beautiful life. And I want that life to be very long and that is not promised to me so on a day where you consider your blessings, it hurts to think about those things being taken away from you. I had a great day, but I want 70 more Thanksgivings and I just really hope I get them. I would even take 50 more. 40. But to think of this being my last, it's just too much you know? I'm not being dramatic - I just don't know what the future holds and that is hard.

Anyway, I was trying to describe all this to my husband who had to work yesterday (because police officers are amazing individuals) and I was crying. And I thought about how, before cancer, I would honestly go months without crying. And I liked it that way. And now, ugh. I just don't like this weepy, weak version of myself. Stupid cancer. Anyway, I don't like crying.

This is not my explanation for why you all aren't getting thank you notes, haha! They are coming. They might be 6 months late, but they will be written. And your kindness will be acknowledged. Just know that with each note, my heart was more full than I can possibly describe and I have felt more love and support than I could ever successfully put into words. You are one of my blessings that I counted yesterday. You are one of the things that I desperately don't want to lose.

Thankful doesn't even get close to how I feel this year.