Nick

As a sophomore in high school, I was faced with a dilemma. I knew I wanted to go to college and I knew that I needed extracurricular activities but I was stumped. I had played the flute but didn't want to do marching band so that option was out. I was NOT a singer and couldn't do chorus. I didn't (and don't) like to sweat so team sports or track was out of the question, especially since I HATE running with a passion and I am the least physically coordinated person you will ever meet. But I had to do SOMETHING. I wanted to be a part of something. When I saw a flier for Speech and Debate I thought that sounded like fun. I was HORRIBLE at public speaking, I was terrified to be in front of a group of people. Most people probably take their strengths and build on those strengths. I took my greatest weakness and tried to find a way to make it a little less painful. 

Speech and Debate sounds a little nerdy, and it probably was, but it was the single greatest decision I made as a kid. I loved being a part of a team. I loved the camaraderie and the fun. I learned how to handle disappointment and discouragement. Before speech, I was only friends with Mormons. I didn't really mean for it to be like that, it just kind of worked out that way. I was in a bubble, a judgmental, bratty bubble. I had little understanding or compassion for viewpoints that were different than mine. There were people that I felt like I was 'better' than. I am ashamed to admit this but it is the truth. I became close friends with people that I probably never would have associated with otherwise. They taught me more about life, and goodness, and patience than I ever could have figured out on my own. My beliefs were solidified in my soul under their scrutiny. They were {mostly} patient with me as I figured out who I was going to be. I can never put into words how much I love my speech and debate family, especially my coach/other mom Meg. 

My junior year of high school, I was paired up with Nick, a senior, for a Duo Interpretation piece. Nick was a clown. He was goofy and fun and liked to tease me. One time we were practicing and somehow he wiggled around enough that his shorts dropped to the floor!!! I SCREAMED bloody murder and ran across the room to where Meg was hysterically laughing. Nick loved it. It was hilarious.   

At some point, I gave Nick a Book of Mormon. He called me one time asking me all these questions and I was all excited that he was actually reading it! (If you haven't read it, you really should. I think it's hilarious that we ask people to read a book that within the first few pages has one of the main characters in it, Nephi, killing some drunk guy so he can get some records from him. Read it - it's pretty intense, haha! It also talks alot about Christ and is my favorite book of all time.) Anyway, Nick was asking me all about Lehi and Nephi and other random things. I found out later that he was just screwing with me but I almost didn't care, I was just happy he had actually opened the book! 

Nick graduated a year before me and went to Florida to go to college. This was before Facebook but we did have email. I was bad at keeping in touch with my friends that left for college and always had the thought to write Nick but I never did. 

15 years ago, on November 1, 1999, Nick killed himself. 

I remember that day vividly. 

I had stayed after school for a student advisory committee thing. Meg came to the door and asked to see me and Anthony, who was also on the team. She pulled us into a room, I think it was actually the nurses office, and told us that Nick had died and that they were pretty sure it was suicide. The rest of that day is a blur of tears, anger, sadness, pain and regret. It was the worst day of my young life. 

My senior year will always be tied to events related to Nick's passing. I will always carry around some of the regret that I felt that day. I put this picture on Instagram and Facebook with the words "My favorite picture of me and my friend Nick. Today marks 15 years since he passed away. Still miss him and wonder what life would have been like with him still here." 

I am able to look back at that difficult time and see the good that came out of it. I would TRADE ANYTHING and GIVE ANYTHING for Nick to still be alive. But I can see, with the benefit of time and perspective, that out of that tragedy came a lot of good. That horrible experience made me a better person. It changed me forever. I try to remember that as I am dealing with this stupid cancer - it is hard to see the good through all of this, but with time and perspective, there will be good. If Nick were still here, it's not like we would be next door neighbors. We would probably see each other once a year and he would sometimes randomly pop up on my Facebook feed. If he were still here, I wouldn't know what it is like for him not to be here and I wouldn't have learned the lesson that he taught me - the greatest lesson his passing gave me was to treasure people. Treasure them. Tell them you love them. Hug them. Be happy to see them. If they are here, don't make them wonder about what you feel for them. Don't be two faced. Don't be false. Be loving and happy and treasure the people that make your life happier. I am grateful for that lesson that Nick's passing taught me. It taught me that lesson because I WISH SO MUCH that I had been a better friend to him. I wish I would have known the demons he was battling. I don't know what I could have done but I wish I would have told him how great I thought he was. But it is because of his passing that I will always passionately and deeply love my speech and debate people - because we went through hell together. But that hell made us who we are today. I would trade it all for Nick, but I can see the good.

In his room, where he died, in a box in the closet, they found the Book of Mormon that I had given him years earlier. I couldn't believe he still had it, I couldn't believe he actually took it with him to college! That meant so much to me, that he still had it. 

About ten years ago I had a dream that was more than a dream. Nick was there. There was a lot of white happening all around us, haha. I was not allowed to ask him about his death, and whenever I tried, he would just smile at me and shake his head. He looked so good. He looked so happy. So happy. And I got to tell him that I loved him. And I missed him. And we all loved him. And we all missed him. I got to tell him in death what I should have told him in life.