Every single doctor that I have met with has asked me why I have cancer. Do I have a family history of cancer? When I give them a run down of my family history they say something to the effect of "yeah it must not be genetic." The genetic counselor herself said that it was not going to be genetic. Just some sporadic, weird thing and we would never know for sure why I got cancer. We sent off my genetic sample just to be sure but she basically told me I didn't have to worry about that anymore. So I didn't. I knew we were getting the results back in November and it was going to be negative and that would be that.
Monday's news quite literally knocked my feet out from under me.
I had sunk to the ground when I heard the words "positive genetic result."
I was sitting in the middle of the sidewalk at the park, I'm sure looking quite ridiculous.
When I stood up and walked over to where my children were playing, I looked at each of their faces and thought "Which two? Which two did I pass along a cancer gene to?" I hate cancer more than anything else, ever. To think that I passed this curse on to two of my babies, it just kills me. Kills me! Genetic guilt. I have genetic guilt and it's crushing me. Consuming me. I have never felt sadness like this before. Nothing can make this better. No advice, no amount of time, there is no silver lining here.
Along with the consequences for my children, for my siblings, for my parents, for my nieces and nephews - along with all of that - comes the realization that my body, EVERY CELL IN MY BODY, is wired for cancer.
This means that this is my first time having cancer.
Not my only time.
My first time.
And that thought, the thought that I will likely have to do this again, probably way sooner than I would like, makes me wild with desperation and fear. I have said all along that cancer gets this one shot at me. I'll do this one time, I say. But with Monday's news, that is probably just not what is going to happen. The old fear is back, the fear of dying, and it's nearly paralyzing.
Oh, sweet friend. I love you so. I am so sorry that this new set of information is causing you heartache and fear. Sometimes knowledge can be scary. It's true. But ALWAYS knowledge gives us power. Sometimes shining a light on things to expose them shows us things that we don't want to see or know. But always we are able to plan our course better when we can see what lies ahead. You are in my prayers constantly, and now I will add to them that this knowledge will empower you and your sweet babies to be better prepared for whatever may come, that you can meet it and defeat it faster and more furiously and that in the end, this knowledge will be a blessing. I'm so sorry for this news, and the heartache that comes with it. I love you!
ReplyDeleteI am one of your closet readers you posted about. I am the one who lives in Hawaii when you see your readers on a map. I found your blog in the very beginning because...(I believe) you brother posted about it on Facebook and one of my friends commented on his post. It then showed up in my feed.
ReplyDeleteThe reason I am commenting today is because what i hear it in your words. This is your rock bottom. I want you to know that your amazing friends and family will be with you every step of the way. They will hold you up when you don't have the mental strength to do so. You have to keep on fighting. I can't imagine the deviation you are feeling, but I just wanted to say that you are so loved and have incredible strength. Keep fighting the fight.
And if you ever want to come to Oahu, you have a place to stay!!
Kimber
I am Tami Johnston's niece and I know your parents. I passed on a genetic Cancer mutation to two of four kids. While I am 40 and still healthy, both my kids developed the disease before age 15. I am so sorry for what you are going through and would love to talk if I can help. We are a few years further down the road. Weloveapple2@gmail.com
ReplyDelete