Round 2

One of my best friends, Tessa, came to visit me during my infusion. It really made the time fly by!

Yesterday was round 2 of chemo. Before I went upstairs to infusion, I had to get my labs drawn then see my oncologist.

My labs came back with low white blood cells and low platelets so they decreased the dosage of my chemo infusion by 20% and I am taking one less pill per day. Also, after my 14 day regimen of chemo pills is finished, I will get a shot that will help boost my bone marrow into making more white blood cells. This can cause bone pain and arthritis like symptoms. I also successfully negotiated an extra week off from chemo so that I wouldn't have to be sick over Christmas. The way my weeks shape up, Thanksgiving week is an off week of chemo for me so I am so happy that I will get to feel normal during the holidays!

We made a big decision yesterday and I feel really good about it. My surgeon said that I could get my reversal (where they remove my bag, stitch up my stoma and I get to poop like a normal person again) 6 weeks after my surgery. My oncologist wanted me to do all 6 rounds of chemo and then have the reversal. I threw a little tantrum at the thought of waiting that long to get rid of this stupid bag so we compromised and agreed for me to do 2 rounds of chemo, then the reversal. After the reversal I would have to wait 3 weeks until I would be recovered enough for me to start up chemo again.

With the news of my genetic predisposition for cancer, I did some soul searching.

Yes, I hate this bag. There is nothing more disgusting than wearing a bag of poop. I am crazy paranoid that I will be sitting somewhere, like at church or at a restaurant or ANYWHERE and my bag will explode or leak and I will be humiliated beyond comprehension. It is my.worst.fear. But I don't think that is super likely. And really, I am getting used to it. I really never thought I would feel that way.

So here is the thing, IF I did the reversal now, and took what would amount to a month long break from chemo, and the cancer used that window of time to come back - I would never forgive myself. To give cancer a window for vanity's sake is just pure foolishness.

We asked my oncologist what would be best and he said to do all 6 rounds in a row. So that is what I am doing.

So as of right now my chemo infusion dates are December 8, December 29, January 19 and February 9th.

I will have my reversal surgery sometime near the end of February or beginning of March. It's just a few more months and we feel like this is the best plan.

I am feeling ok today. I feel better this time than I did last time. I don't know if that is because of the lower dose, or if I know what to expect this time. It is also because I'm laying pretty low and taking it easy, unlike last time when I went to Costco the day after my first chemo infusion. Oh boy, that was a big mistake!! My parents are angelic and had my kids spend the night last night since today is Veteran's Day and my kids have no school. My parents are keeping them all day today so I can rest and be sick. I'm not too sick though so that is a blessing. Last time I felt sick till about Thursday or Friday so I'm hoping this time will be similar and I can just push through this week.

Chemo rounds are hard. It's really hard to take that first dose of pills. It is really hard to get in the car and go to the hospital. It is hard to voluntarily have them put drugs into my body that make me feel awful. I saw (and shared) something on Facebook today that hit a nerve for me. It was for Veterans Day (and I'm REALLY not trying to take away from that so please understand my intent) but it made me think of yesterday. It said "Courage. Bravery doesn't mean you aren't scared. It means you go anyway." I have tried really hard to not be scared through all of this, but this is all really scary. I can be brave if it means I can still be scared but keep going anyway. I can do that.