Cancer has been in the news a lot lately.
A woman whose name I know but I will not put on here because I don't want people to find my blog because of her name, let's call her BM - she had terminal brain cancer and chose to end her life rather than let the cancer kill her. When I first heard of this, my first thought was "She must not have children" and I was right. I don't believe she would have taken her own life if she would have had children because she would have wanted to have every single possible second with them here on Earth. That is how I feel at least.
Another girl, let's call her DB, passed away at the age of 32 from cancer. She was an MTV celebrity who blogged about cancer and was a positive voice. She had beat cancer once before and when it came back, she was determined to beat cancer again, to have the husband and the kids and the white picket fence. She didn't get to live to see those things happen to her. It is difficult for me to read her blog posts. She didn't want to die. She desperately wanted to live. Her will to live and her positive nature didn't save her in the end. Stupid cancer doesn't care if you want to live. It doesn't care how cheerfully you try to live through it. Sometimes you live and sometimes you die and it's a roll of the dice to which side you end up on. Cancer is unfair.
A friend of ours, a fellow police officer, had rectal cancer just like me. Stage 3, just like me. He was treated by the same doctors and the same surgeon that treated me. He tested positive for CHEK2, just like me. He finished his rounds of chemo a few months ago. This past week, on a routine scan, two tumors were discovered in his liver. His cancer is back. He is now stage 4 and back on chemo. It's really not good when cancer is in your vital organs. They are called 'vital' for a reason. This news has weighed heavy on my heart.
There is a Mormon Messages video (click HERE to watch it) that really should have come with a warning label. Something like "WARNING - If you have cancer and recently found out that it is genetic, you probably shouldn't watch this video. If you do, it will break your heart and make you feel desperate and helpless." It didn't come with that warning but I guess I'm glad it didn't because after watching it a few times, I am grateful for it's wisdom. The refiner's fire is most definitely real. I'm not sure what I'm being shaped into, and the blows are difficult to take, but I know I am loved and supported by my Savior and that makes it all ok.
People keep telling me to kick cancer's butt. Um, I don't know what that means. I don't know how to do that. I'm trying to stay positive. I get up every morning and I live my life. I don't wallow. I wear my chunky, noisy wedges and I curl my hair that I am so glad that I got to keep, and I try my best to just live my life as best as I can. Is that kicking cancer's butt? I seriously don't know.
Chemo this time around hasn't been as bad as it was last time. Thursday of last week was my worst day by far. I just felt awful. So I spent the day on my couch and took care of myself and accepted help and by Friday I was fine. The nausea and the fatigue isn't overwhelming but the hand/foot syndrome has been pretty bad this time. Click HERE if you want to read about it. I have all the mild and severe symptoms. My feet have taken a beating - making it difficult to walk or wear my chunky shoes, haha. My favorite part of my day is when my sweet husband puts lotion on my sad, sore feet.
I don't want to do this again. I want this to be the only time I have cancer. My prayers are full of pleading. I don't want any of my family members to have cancer. I will have cancer a dozen times if it means my children are spared. Stupid cancer.
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