Sunday, Oct 26th
Well it's Sunday night and I am almost a week removed from my first chemo infusion. The first few days, I'm not gonna lie, were really really hard. I was super sick to my stomach, way tired all the time, and kept having all sorts of weird, strange ticks and reactions to the medicine. I didn't know what to expect, which probably made it even stranger, but now I'll know what to plan for.
I think I tried to do too much in those first few days - I went to tons of stores and different events, and even Griffey's field trip to a farm, oh the smells! Ugh. I didn't want to let anything slow me down. But next time I will just clear my calendar, watch lots of chick flicks in my bed and just lay low and try my best to take better care of myself.
I didn't want to miss anything. I didn't want to let the cancer win, but there is no shame and nothing that I'm doing wrong if I get sick. It's just the way it is and I need to be a little bit more generous with
myself and patient. Being sick doesn't mean the cancer is winning, it means the medicine is working and I am kicking cancers butt. If I think of it that way it makes all the difficult side effects seem worth it. I keep trying to visualize the medicine going through my body and killing everything - every cancer cell it finds.
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Sunday, Nov 2
Since my diagnosis, I have been somewhat focused on just how annoying it is that my body is failing me. I have thought "If I am created in my Heavenly Father's image, why did He give me a body with so much capacity to fail?" Have you ever thought of that? Our bodies have millions of things that can go wrong with them. Some minor, and some so intensely awful. Isn't that just annoying? I kept thinking why would He design a body with so much fragility?
It has taken me all of this time to realize that if we all had perfectly perfect bodies - we would all have the same story. We would all live out our lives with relative ease and all die at approximately the same time with little variation. In our church we believe there was a war in Heaven - Satan wanted us to have no agency and no choice. As a mother, I see the appeal of that, haha! We all would return back to our Heavenly Father and none would be lost. Our Savior had a better plan, one that would require faith and hard work. It would require pain and loss. We would have agency. We would have faulty bodies that would make us suffer but also help us to learn and grow.
When I think of all the things this gimpy body of mine has allowed me to do - see, breathe, smell, live, become a mother - I will take it's faults. I accept it for the way it is and count my blessings that it isn't any worse.
I am now nearly two weeks removed from my first chemo infusion. Most of the weird side effects from the infusion have calmed down. I still can't drink anything cold and I've never wanted a milkshake or a Jamba Juice more in my life! Haha! I swear, tell me I can't have something and it's ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT! Tonight I take the last 3 pills from this round of chemo and tomorrow I start my week off from chemo. I am SO excited for this week!
My next infusion is November 10th. I am not excited for that. I was really sick. Really really sick. Food was absolutely disgusting. Even the thought of opening my freezer to try to decide what meal I should start to defrost - just the thought of opening the freezer made me so so sick. I was dizzy and light headed and just really not in good shape. I didn't have anyone bring me meals because we had received so much help during surgery - I wanted to see if I could do it on my own. I learned my lesson. I am including a link to a sign up for the week of my infusion. I have had so many people tell me that they are so bugged because they keep wanting to sign up to bring meals, but it fills up before they get to it. So if that is you, here is another chance, haha! If you have already brought me a meal, please don't sign up. I love you so much but I feel like such a burden!!! Let's spread the love around, haha!
http://www.signupgenius.com/go/10c0a44aeae22a0fc1-chemo
So that is the latest from me. Amazingly enough, I am getting used to the bag. I NEVER EVER in a million gazillion years thought I would ever say that. The chemo pills are bearable. I am tired and nauseous but nothing really crazy. I can handle this level of not feeling very good. I had a head cold this week and I was a little worried because I had a fever (fever over 101 is bad - like I would have to be hospitalized bad) but a lot of you must have been praying for me because it only lasted 3 days. I have NEVER IN MY LIFE had a head cold that only lasted 3 days! 3 weeks maybe, but never 3 days. This is the first time I have been sick since my diagnosis and I count that as a huge blessing. I'm trying to do that more. Count my blessings. See the good in spite of the bad. Be happy and grateful in my circumstances and not for my circumstances.
xoxoxoxoxo
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