The morning of the surgery, as I walked to the car at 5 in the morning, I was surprised to find this
in my front lawn. So sweet!! It really made me feel so happy!
My husband took this picture while I was in recovery. Shouldn't there be rules against that?! Surgery went perfectly. I think it took less than an hour (I don't really know since I was knocked out) and I didn't have to have more incisions - the surgeon just pulled up my ileostomy loop, closed it up, then closed my incision site with three staples. I was up walking within a few hours. WAY easier than my first surgery. I was on the same hospital floor as last time and had a ton of the same nurses. I was SO EXCITED to see them again!! Nurses flippin rock. They are amazing. I was so happy to be at the end of all of this and be able to tell them the good news of no more cancer.
This is me in the courtyard outside of the cafeteria the day after my surgery. I still couldn't eat anything other than liquids but I felt good enough to walk around. I was off the pain meds by the second day too. It really was so much easier than my last surgery.
Matt was planning on only staying the first night, since we knew it was going to be a much easier surgery, but he ended up staying the whole time which made me happy. I feel so much more at peace when he is with me. Surgery was on Thursday and by Sunday afternoon I was back home.
I came home to some beautiful surprises.
The young women in my ward decorated my house with all these adorable hearts!! The messages were sweet, random and some of them were totally hilarious. One of my girls, Kayla, and her dad PLANTED ROSE BUSHES FOR ME!!!!
I have wanted rose bushes since we were married 13+ years ago but I never got around to it. I finally googled it one day last year and found out the best time to plant rosebushes in Arizona is in March so I mentioned that to my girls at church. Well sweet Kayla remembered! We have loved these rosebushes, my kids check every day to see if we have more buds growing.
Our first rose!
My mom, who watched my kids while we were at the hospital and deserves a medal or a major vacation somewhere tropical, made this sign and got me balloons. I was so happy to be home!
The first few days after my surgery, I kept checking for my bag or thinking "Oh I have to empty my bag" and stuff like that. I was thrilled every time I realized - NO I DON'T!! There are still things that aren't 100% back to normal - my bowels were out of commission for nearly 6 months so it takes some time for them to start functioning normally again - but I am so close.
Emotionally I am doing better but still kind of ... I don't know... weird. I just want to pretend like none of this ever happened. I have decided I don't want to have a party - the thought of it gives me anxiety and I just want to be normal. I want to be anonymous. I don't want any more attention.
Don't misunderstand. I have so much appreciation for all of the service and kindness that has been shown to our family over the last year. I needed the love, support and prayers. I needed them more than I could ever put into words. But now that I'm better- I just want to live my life. I don't want to talk about cancer anymore. I almost feel like I am having to re-learn how to socialize appropriately - having to re-learn what to talk about now that cancer is done.
This was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
I don't know what to say when people say nice things to me about how we've handled all of this. I want to argue. I want to tell them that I'm none of those things that they are saying. I'm not. This has been incredibly painful. So much suffering. But it could have been so much worse. People live through much more difficult situations with much more grace and patience.
I have so much fear that it is going to come back. A few nights ago, Matt and I were watching a documentary about cancer and there was a 2 time cancer survivor that they were interviewing. She had had cancer 20 years before that and she said she is STILL scared it is going to come back. I guess it's something that I'm going to have to get used to, this fear.
I had my first mammogram last Friday. Since my genetic predisposition is for colorectal and breast, I will be monitored extra close for the rest of my life. We found out that my insurance will cover a prophylactic double mastectomy if that is something that I want to do. I really really don't. But I REALLY REALLY don't want to have cancer again. And if I don't have the mastectomy, and I end up getting breast cancer, and heaven forbid dying from it, well, that would just be ridiculous. So we have some things to think about.
Real life is tricky. Real life is hard. So much of real life was put on hold because of cancer, and now trying to get back into the swing of things - it's been interesting. I feel like I need to be an expert in all things cancer prevention related. It's a bit overwhelming. And the way I am - if I get super overwhelmed, rather than getting to work and figuring stuff out - I just do nothing. I'm paralyzed. It's not a good trait to have. I feel like I have so much to figure out, but then I get all like "Ugh! I don't want to think about cancer anymore! I don't want it to have any control over my life! I am DONE. Done thinking about it. Done talking about it. Done worrying about it. Just DONE. Get out of my head cancer! Get out of my life!!" And I do nothing.
With all of that being said, I'm so happy to be on this side of this journey and not at the very beginning. I survived. I'm a survivor. Crazy, right? I never would have imagined this happening to me, but none of us get to pick our trials, we just hope to make it through them the best we can.
Wishing for thousands of cancer free days
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