Home from the hospital!!

Do you just love my fighting stance?! Haha! 

This is me the morning of surgery. I was scared out of my mind but so tired of being scared and just trying to have faith that this was not my time to go and that my doctors would be smart and that all would go well. I was scared of SO MANY THINGS but I just tried to put all of those things aside and think about how great it was going to be to be cancer free. 

I vaguely remember seeing Matt in recovery and wishing he could stay longer. I remember talking to Dr. Gimbel and him telling me I wouldn't remember our conversation, haha. I remember that it was really hard to keep my eyes open and I would find out later that that was because they had done the surgery with me inverted so my whole face was super swollen and my eyes were nearly swollen shut. I remember being taken up to my room. They didn't have me sit up at all that first day and I was so grateful for that. I was high as a kite!!! I am pretty sure I owe a few people apologies because I was just not filtered whatsoever!! 

That first night was pretty awful because I was just absolutely exhausted from the surgery but I had IV issues all.night.long. I'm sure those nurses were so annoyed with me!! It seemed like every time I would go into a deep sleep- the IV alarm would go off indicating that there was a block in the line. I think it is because I flinch when I sleep or something because there were a few times that it would go off and I swear I didn't move AT ALL. At one point, they got so annoyed with me, that they strapped my arm to a board thing so that my elbow would be kept straight. To be honest, I didn't even mind - I was willing to do ANYTHING to get some sleep!

So Thursday was all about fixing my IV situation. There was another IV that was started in surgery but it was leaky so they tried to start another IV but that vein blew. Finally they brought in an ultrasound and did an ultrasound guided IV line which worked great. I was so relieved!! I think that alarm only went off maybe 2 times for the rest of the time I was there. 

Thursday was a very difficult day. The pain was pretty intense just laying there. Because my surgery was done laproscopically, my body had been filled up with gas so I was having lots of pain in my shoulders, back and under my rib cage from the trapped gas. I have 5 laproscopic incision sites that are each about an inch long all over my belly, my stoma/bag hole, and one, 3-4 inch incision site that is low along my bikini line, kind of like where a c-section would be. The only way to get the gas pains to go away is to move. But to move was a terrifying thought. I had some visitors in the morning and I had set a goal for myself that I was going to sit up by 1 p.m. So that is what I did. The initial goal was just to have me sit up and maybe take a few steps if I could. I had a nurse on either side of me, helping me to sit up. Matt was in front of me on the couch. As I sat up, the pain was EXCRUCIATING. I mean, unbelievable pain. I literally couldn't breathe, the pain was so intense. The nurse told me I could sit back down but I said  'No! I am making it to that chair.' I didn't want her to think I was a wuss. I know that people think I'm a wuss and I wanted to be tougher than anyone gave me credit for. I had tears in my eyes but not a single tear fell so the nurse says it doesn't count as crying, haha! I made it to the chair and a few minutes later, I got back up and walked around the room. I may have been completely hunched over but I did it! We went on 3 walks around the hospital that afternoon, each time going further and further. 

Friday was a big day for me. They took out my catheter which meant I had to make sure I got out of bed on my own. We gave the green light for visitors and I got to see my kids for the first time! Kate was pretty emotional and it was hard for them to see me not feeling super good. I sat in the chair instead of laying in the bed, Matt had helped me shower and he blow dried my hair and helped me curl it so I would look more like myself. I wanted to look as normal as possible so I didn't scare them.

 

On Friday, the wound care nurses came by to teach me about my ileostomy. I had been worried about how I was going to react to this, if I was going to cry hysterically through their tutorial or what. Right after surgery, I had refused to look at my stomach but by Wednesday evening, I had looked at my scars and my bag and pretty much accepted what was going on. I am so relieved that the bag is temporary and so glad that I am alive. That being said, it's still pretty gross. And it's my body that all of this is happening to - it's just a lot to take in. I did ok with the nurses, until they went to remove my existing bag to replace it with a new one. The adhesive on the old bag hurt SO BAD coming off of my skin. It felt like 200 bandaids being ripped off of sunburned skin. It was, ahhhh, so so painful. I'm so scared for my next bag change because it was just ... gosh... that hurt so bad. So that made me cry, probably mostly because I just hadn't anticipated that AT ALL. None of the tutorials I had watched - none of them said that part hurt. Anyway, I wiped my tears and listened at they taught me how to take care of myself. I was doing ok again until the lady said that my stoma was 'pretty' and looked like a 'rosebud.' That was so ridiculous to me, and so NOT how I feel about it, it just made me break down a little bit. I wasn't hysterical, and I calmed myself down within a few minutes, but that was the one and only time I cried in the hospital. 

Saturday was my favorite day!! I got to eat real food!!!! My bowels had woken up really fast and were doing exactly what they were supposed to do. I hadn't eaten real food since Tuesday morning so I was SO excited to eat something other than broth (YUCK!) and jello! We went on a bunch of walks and I was able to stand almost upright. My kids came to visit in the morning and amazingly enough, a volunteer came by WITH A DOG!!!! I'm REALLY hoping that the memory of the cute dog is what my kids keep rather than mom not looking super great. Oh, I could just give that dog a huge ol kiss, I'm so grateful for him and his owner showing up right at the perfect time!!!!

 A huge storm rolled in and we got to watch it from our 4th floor room. I think the storm may have kept some of our visitors away (and I totally don't blame them!! I wouldn't have gone out in that craziness!) but it was just a sweet, mellow day. 

On Saturday, there started to be some talk about me going home on Sunday. Sure enough, after all the doctor check-ins, I was able to go home after lunch on Sunday. WAY sooner than we had thought. Since I thought we were going to be there for at least 5 days - we brought a ton of stuff from home; cute blankets, my iHome for playing music on Pandora, pictures of the kids that we put up around the room, and a Wallflower plug in from Bath and Body Works (fresh linen scent.) I was so paranoid that I would have a stinky room because of my bag but thanks to the plug in and the GORGEOUS flowers that people sent to me (OH MY GOSH - THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I love love LOVE flowers!!! So so nice!!! I still need to thank all of you!!!! So so nice!!!!) all of the nurses and techs said that my room smelled like a garden :) 

Right before I was about to go home, my MiaMaids (the girls that I am their leader) came to visit me and brought me THE FUNNIEST gift ever - a teddy bear with bandaids all over it's bum!!!! HAHAHAHA!!! Oh my gosh, it seriously makes me laugh so hard and it hurts SO bad to laugh right now!! Anyway, they helped me by taking all my flowers home for me which was incredibly helpful because I had no idea how I was going to get them all home safely! 

I am so happy to be home! My husband is a freaking rock star - he stayed with me the whole time at the hospital and didn't flinch once, not when it was gross and not when it was hard. He was so patient and loving and made this all actually pretty fun! I am so thankful for my mom and Matt's mom who took care of my babies, I never worry when they are with their grandmas because I know they are in such good hands. Thank you to everyone who came to visit us - we loved seeing each and every one of you and appreciate your love and support more than I can fully explain or express. I am so thankful for the wonderful nurses and aides that took such good care of me while I was at the hospital. I am so thankful for my awesome doctors and that I didn't have any complications or problems. I am SO RELIEVED that my bag is temporary and I will only have to deal with it, at most, for 5 months. I am so glad that this scary part is over and that I am ok!! Thank you for all the prayers and love, our prayers were answered!!! xoxoxoxoxo