My mom kept Griff overnight the first night so that I could sleep and recover the day after infusion. That helped so much! My parents also took all my kids over the weekend so both Matt and I could have some time to recover from the difficult week. Matt unfortunately got sick with a fever and cold symptoms so he is starting to get run down from having to be dad, mom, caretaker, etc. We have actually been really healthy since my diagnosis, I feel like all the prayers that people have said for us have truly been answered in how healthy our kids and Matt and I have been. Especially having a kid in preschool and another in kindergarten, I thought we'd be sick all winter. So thank you for your prayers!
I just want you to know, we pray for you too. Every prayer that is offered in our home, you are prayed for. We pray for the people that pray for us, we pray for the people that have helped us. My children see your service to our family and it has made a deep and lasting impact on them.
Prayer has made all the difference in this journey. My testimony of the power of prayer has been strengthened by leaps and bounds. Last week, when my feet didn't hurt on Sunday, you need to understand that I should have been in incredible pain that day. I was in incredible pain the day before and even more debilitating pain the day after. Monday I was barely able to walk, my feet hurt so bad. So the fact that the day before I had been in no pain, I just can't explain how miraculous that truly was. I still can't believe it. A gift. It was a gift.
Tomorrow is round 6, my last and final round. At the beginning of this week, I was giddy at the thought of this. One more round. That's it! Easy. I got this. I can do one more. Just one more, then surgery, then I'm done. I'm done. But as this week wore on and I got closer to round 6 and closer to this all finally being over, I have been pretty emotional. Now that we are finally done, now that the storm is nearly past, I am looking back on these last 9 months and I just keep thinking "What the heck just happened?"
When you're in the middle of a crisis, all you can do is to just power through and keep moving. I only had the energy and emotional capacity to just do my best to put all the worry and fears to the side as best as I could and just focus on each day, one at a time. But now, as I look back at everything - the colonoscopy, the biospy results, those first doctor's appointments at MD, 6 weeks of chemo and radiation, surgery and now almost 6 rounds of chemo - it's all hitting me. The shock. The fear. All the humiliating and violating moments. This has been hell. How did I keep it together for so long? How did I tolerate it all? What the heck just happened? There is SO much that I didn't talk about on here. It's too embarrassing, it's too personal. I don't want you, my children, anyone - I don't want to remember - I don't want anyone to know. It's too much. It's just all so much. Cancer. I have cancer. What?
The other night I was putting my boys to bed and singing them a song. I had this thought, that if I die, and Matt remarries, whoever sees them after that - they would think SHE was their mom. Like I never existed. Like I was never here. It hurt so much to think about that, it literally took my breath away.
I am here. I am fighting so hard to stay here. I will never again take life for granted. Every day is a gift. Years are treasures. To be gifted a nice long life, what a blessing. I am begging for 15 more years, 15 more years and my youngest will be 18 and I will have been able to raise my children. The cancer can come back then. I'd rather it came back when I was in my 80's but that feels a little greedy. I am so terrified of it coming back. Of having to do this all over again, but this time at stage 4. I don't think this is an unreasonable fear. It comes back ALL THE TIME. Terrifying.
I had a doctor at the hospital tell me that cancer survivors can suffer from PTSD. I was taken back by this but now I understand it. This is traumatic. To be in fear for your life everyday, it takes a toll. It's not war but it's not nothing. I'm now crying all these tears that I have kept in for months.
This is not me being unfaithful. My faith has never been stronger. This is me needing my Savior. This is me needing more strength than I have, and knowing that it will be given to me because my prayers are heard, my fears are understood, I am known and loved. While I was typing this, this song came on.
He knows your heart He knows your pain He knows the strength it took just too simply breathe today He sees the tears that you cry He knows your soul is aching to know why He hears your prayers each humble word When you said you couldn't face another day he understood He knows the path that you will find Though you felt alone he's never left your side Chorus: He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words Could take away your sorrow And no human eyes could see what you're going through When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do He will lift your heavy load and carry you He'll bring you peace and leave you hope And in the darkest night he'll comfort you Until you know the sun will rise and each new day You will have the strength to live again (Hilary Weeks - "He'll Carry You")
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