How are you? + 6 days!!!!!!!

How are you? 

Such a loaded question. For most people it probably isn't - they say "fine" and move on. 

Right now for me it's a really hard question to answer. 

I'm SO excited for my surgery in 6 days. SIX!!!! LESS THAN A WEEK!!! This awful, disgusting, horrible bag will be off my body! No more worrying about leaks and smells and problems and the bulge. I don't think I've anticipated a day or have been more excited for a day to get here since my wedding day! I hope these six days go by super fast. 

But if you ask me how I am, depending on the minute, I might get tears in my eyes and become a bit of a mess. Now that we are almost at the end (hopefully) of this crazy experience, the reality of what we have gone through is really hitting me. Is it possible to be in shock for 10 months? I have been so tough, so stubborn. Stupid cancer - I was going to do whatever I had to do to get it OUT of my body. But all those humiliating and painful moments are coming back to me in waves and I just can't believe this all happened to me. It is almost like I disconnected from it all so that I could get through it. And now, as I reflect on everything, it's so much. 

At the beginning I thought, this is going to make me a stronger person. This is going to make me make changes in my life and I'm going to be better because of this. 

I don't feel strong. I feel so weak. I am consumed with fear, I'm terrified the cancer is going to come back. I have met a few people along the way who have colorectal cancer and it has come back for ALL of them. I'm scared I'm going to have to do this again because I didn't learn or become whoever I was supposed to become from the first go round. Or that it will come back because every cell in my body is wired for cancer. Yeah. Not good. 

But if you ask me how I am a minute later, once all these dark thoughts have passed, I would say I am so great. I'm almost done. My body is slowly healing. Ok - here is your warning. I have pictures of my hands and zombie feet and if you are eating breakfast or something you probably want to stop reading right now and not see these pics. It's pretty gross. I'm on my 4th time of the bottom of my feet completely peeling off. My hands are a lot better than they were a few days ago when I took this picture but they still hurt a little bit. But everyday they are getting better. And guess what, I made it through. I did it. My kids are no worse for the wear (or however you say that) and I am more in love with my husband than I ever thought possible. We did it. And I have learned so much from this experience. I am forever changed. My compassion and empathy for people has grown exponentially. Everyone is going through something. Everyone needs love and understanding. And you people - you who are reading this. You have changed me. Nearly every day I have people telling me that they pray for me. We've been at this for almost a year - we found the tumor in May - and you are STILL praying for me. You still care. You still read this crazy bipolar blog of mine. You are incredible. You have made such a difference, I can never fully put it into words. 

Ok I warned you. 

The weird part is - my hands look so much better but still hurt. My feet don't hurt at all but they look awful. Cancer is the gift that keeps on giving, haha. 

I realize I have been through a traumatic experience. I realize that there are going to be a lifetime of repercussions from this experience. Some of the side effects from the chemo and radiation last a lifetime. This isn't like the flu, where you are sick then you get better and that is it. I will have lasting issues, both physical and emotional. Perhaps I will always get teary when I think of some of these things that I have endured. Maybe not. I am taking steps to sort out all these crazy emotions. This is not me. I am a happy girl. I am not this terrified train wreck. I will get stronger. I will be tough again. I will find me again.