So I have never had cancer before.
I've never done this before.
I don't know how I'm supposed to act. I don't know what I'm supposed to say or do or feel. I still forget sometimes that I have cancer. Sometimes I'm just living my life, doing my thing and then all of a sudden I remember, oh my gosh, I have cancer. Weird!
Honestly, it just is weird to me that this is all happening.
I had big plans for August 2014. 3 out of my 4 children were going to be in school all day long. My 3 year old was going to be in preschool and he still naps. I was going to work a ton and have all this freedom. I had big plans.
Then I found out I had cancer and everything has changed.
Starting in one day, I'm going to have all this time on my hands and just one child at home, poor guy. This is just not what I had planned.
And I have all these people, people who I love and appreciate so much, wanting to do all these incredibly nice things for me. Every time I turn around, there is another person wanting to do a fundraiser for me, or they are bringing me treats and goodies, or offering all these kindnesses. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I've never done this before. My first inclination is to say 'no, we're fine, I promise.' I have tried saying no, and it hurts these people who I love. They just want to do SOMETHING. Anything. They say things like "PLEASE let us do this for you." It makes them so happy if I say yes. And everyone is telling me I should just accept the help. I should accept all these kindnesses because people want to serve and I need to let them serve me.
It is incredibly difficult for me to accept all of this service. It is incredibly difficult for me to accept all this financial help especially. I don't want to be pitied. I don't want to be a charity case. I don't want people to think of me and think "gosh, she is begging for more money again."
I don't know what my medical expenses are going to be. I've never done this before. I don't know what to anticipate. I worry that if I say no now, I will regret it down the road when I really need the help. People who have experienced cancer always refer to the expense of it and that makes me nervous.
I just don't know how to do this.
Tangent: Do you know what makes me super angry? Like it makes me want to yell and scream and kick and punch? I will forever be associated with cancer. When I think of the few people I know of who have had cancer at a young age, I think "Oh, she is the girl that had breast cancer at age __" I don't think about who that woman is and all the other things that make her who she is. I think of the cancer first. And I know that is how it's going to be with me. For the rest of forever, in your mind, I'm going to be the butt cancer girl. And that just SUCKS!! It sucks SO MUCH that I am forever associated with this thing that I HATE more than anything else. I HATE cancer. I HATE that this is happening to me and that this is happening to my family and that this is my story. Oh I just burn with resentment that this is now part of my story, the only part some people will ever remember. Oh, I just, it makes me just seethe.
Anyway.
So if you are on Facebook or on my Instagram and I'm mentioning yet another nice thing someone is doing for me, take it for what it is. If you don't want to participate, I so totally get it. If you don't want to buy a shirt, no worries. We are still friends. I still love you. I don't want to be a burden on anyone or bug anyone. I'm so grateful for these amazing people who want to make my life easier. Who dedicate so much time, effort, planning and creativity. Who see this battle and rush in to lift up these weary, angry hands of mine. Help comes in so many forms, not just financial. The prayers have made all the difference. The notes, the texts, the messages, stopping by just to give me a hug - all these things have made my burden so much lighter. I don't know how I'd get through this without all of this support and love. I don't know how this is all supposed to go. I don't know who I'm supposed to be through all of this. I'm just trying to get through it all one lovely day at a time.
P.S. - I was at church on Sunday and I was so embarrassed that I had announced to the world that I felt like I was pooping razorblades. What was I thinking?! I mean, it's true but I felt so exposed - I should have kept that little tidbit to myself. (blush) But the good news is, I'm nearly completely better!! The burn is nearly completely healed. It's legitimately amazing. Prayers heard and answered. Thank you!!
No more razor blade poops - tender mercy indeed ; ) I like that you're honest about being uncomfortable accepting help from others. I think we're all that way sometimes. I know that I have been in situations where people wanted to serve our family and help us. I felt so uncomfortable because I hate asking for / accepting help from others. But looking back now, I see that I really couldn't have done it on my own. Those people were part of the answers to my prayers. The Lord knew I needed help - and he sent it. Remember when we talked a week or so ago ? I told you that when our Daughter died, there were so so so many people wanting to help any way they could ? I didn't know what to do. It was so hard to accept the help, but I did. And I remember thinking the same thing you are right now : how the heck do I ever repay all these people ? How do I truly thank people who so selflessly served me in my time of need ? Well, here's what I learned . . you can't. You can't truly thank every single person individually. You can't repay them individually. And if you did, it would sort of cancel out the service they gave you. They serve you because they love you : ) But I learned that the way I could TRULY say thank you to all those people was by giving back. I could serve others. I could say thank you by bringing it around full circle and giving service to others who need it. Serve them the way you've been served. I have really tried to immerse myself in service for others because I feel like so many people did so much for me when I needed it.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you're feeling better : )
Oh Ash I understand. But try not to worry about people remembering you as the cancer girl. One of the many reasons you are so loved is because you are you. Fun, bubbly, full of life, friends with everyone, pretty, loyal Ashley. Cancer can't take away any if those qualities. If anything you will be the girl who faced a HUGE trial and beat it. A tough, beautiful, fighting woman. I would say that is a pretty good thing:).
ReplyDeleteAnd the fundraising and kindnesses and all of that jazz not only will help with med expenses , it really is to lift your spirits. When you have a big trial your friends don't know what to do, people feel lost or sad they can't fix it. So letting people support you is awesome! Take it as a huge hug from all who love you, wearing a blue shirt for Team Ashley is less about the funds it will raise and more about being a good friend for you. Love you girl! Xoxo
Ashley, you're amazing. Having the chance to serve you makes me feel in some round about way that I'm serving all my friends and family who have battled (or are battling) cancer. You will forever in my mind just be Matt's sister. Whether that's good or bad is up to you ;) Thanks for accepting the little bit I was able to offer. I know everyone who did come by was more than happy to support you!
ReplyDelete