Job

While in San Diego, I went to a nail salon to get a pedicure. As I was sitting there, a woman came in who looked like she was a survivor. I'm not sure, but her hair was super short and, I don't know, I assumed she was. When I found out that I wasn't going to lose my hair, I was so relieved. Not just because I'm super vain but also because I didn't want everyone who saw me to know what was going on with me. I didn't want the questions at the grocery store, or the stares at carpool drop off. I, obviously, don't mind if people who know me know what is going on, but I don't want every stranger who comes in my path to know that I have cancer.

As I sat with my feet in the sudsy water, I looked at each and every person in that salon and thought to myself "They all have no idea what I'm going through. They may think x,y and z about me but they would be wrong. They have no idea who I am and what I'm fighting." And then I thought, "I have no idea who they are and what they are fighting. Who knows, maybe it's worse. Maybe their lives are falling apart right at this very moment and no one has any clue." It has changed my whole perspective.

SO many battles are fought quietly, unshared and unsung. I have no idea what some of the people around me are going through and that has changed me. I don't mean to be, and I certainly don't want to be, but my natural tendency is to be a little judgmental. I usually catch myself, and reprimand myself, but this experience has taught me that you really never know what is going on behind closed doors and that you should never assume to know who a person really is or what their life is like.

I have also been thinking about how, hopefully, this is temporary. Hopefully they will get all the cancer and it won't metastasize somewhere else and this will just be a rough couple of months. This is not a lifelong issue. It could be SO SO SO MUCH worse. I am surrounded by warriors, people who have life long health issues and who face them with grace and patience. I am embarrassed by the way I have reacted to this when I see the way they carry on in the face of debilitating illnesses.

Today in Sunday School at church we learned about Job. I know all about Job, in fact a few weeks into my diagnosis I was studying him and learning all about his trials.

Ok this is going to be mostly non-sensical but I'm going to do my best to put all these random feelings into thoughts. But I apologize, in advance, if I don't make any sense.

Job was a incredible man. He had this perfect life, he was very successful and well respected, and he had it all taken away. His children, his servants, all his possessions, his health. He lost everything. He lost everything but never wavered. He wished he hadn't been born but he didn't question the Lord. He didn't ask 'why me' and he didn't ask 'why is this happening?' He never denied God. As we sat there and discussed Job, I got more and more embarrassed because I have asked those things. I have written them on this blog. I haven't denied God but I have been angry at God. And I wondered who in that room knew it? And who in that room was thinking about how pathetic that I was that I had floundered in the face of what is, compared to Job, a small trial. Maybe no one was thinking that, they are all good Christian people, but I was thinking it. I was embarrassed. I am embarrassed. I should be better than that. I want to be better.

This is what I know to be true, I am known to the Lord. He loves me. He loves me in spite of my weaknesses and my shortcomings. I know all these things will be for my good. I can't expect life to be perfect, to be able to go through an entire life with smooth sailing and just floating along. One of the best lessons I have ever been in was while I was at BYU during a Relief Society lesson. The teacher's name was Rebecca and she gave this incredible lesson about trials. She said something to the effect of "If you are not in the midst of a storm right now, prepare yourselves now for what will be coming." I have thought about that so many times, over the years, in stormy times and in calm. Who am I to expect nothing but clear skies? Who am I to not have to suffer, compared to everyone else. Do I think I'm better than the pioneers? Than Job? Than my Savior?  Uh yeah, nope. So I can do this, this is but a small moment, I can look to those around me and draw strength from their examples and their faith.