halfway done with treatment!

After today's radiation treatment, I am halfway done! 3 weeks down, 3 weeks to go. I don't really have very many side effects yet from the radiation. I'm a bit burned looking but nothing horrible and nothing uncomfortable yet. I'm nervous for that ... I'm hoping it stays manageable.

Most of my side effects are from the chemo. I'm super tired. I have to take naps every day because I just can't even make it through the day without one. I feel like I'm 80, I swear! Even with naps, most nights I'm a goner come 10 p.m. It's so strange because I'm a total night owl usually.

I'm having this weird hand weakness thing going on. It's a good thing that I stopped doing lashes because there is no possible way I could hold the tweezers. My handwriting is terrible and it's even weird to type on the computer. I don't know how else to describe it. Joint weakness in my hands. I just looked it up and apparently it's just one of the many fun side effects of xeloda, the chemo drug I am taking.

I wrote that last paragraph 2 days ago (it takes me forever to write blog posts these days. I'm just focusing on resting, surviving summer, getting better, and my family) and actually, that only lasted 3 days or so. My hands are back to normal which is a relief. And guess what (I'm scared to say anything because I really don't want to jinx anything!!) ... the nausea is gone!

I was sitting in bed just now, with my very sick husband sleeping next to me (sinus infection, poor guy) contemplating why on earth the nausea is gone. And the words "because of all the prayers" popped into my head. And I know that is why. There is no other explanation. I'm on chemotherapy for crying out loud! I should be sick as a dog. And I was, the first 2 weeks I was very sick. But in the last few days, I have been feeling less and less awful. Yesterday I took my anti-nausea med, one pill in the morning, and that was it for the whole day. Today - no anti-nausea meds at all! A week ago I was calling the clinic because Zofran was not helping me enough, I was still so sick, and this week I am fine.

This is how I know I will be ok. My friend Kami says that we are flooding heaven with all of our prayers and I know that is true. I'm going to be fine and that's all there is to it.

Matt gave me great advice the other day. I was feeling overwhelmed, and dreading the next few months. Just so unsure. Scared that I'm not tough enough for what is coming. And there were a few days this week that I just REALLY didn't want to drive to the hospital. I was literally in my car, driving west to the hospital, and fantasizing about driving until I hit ocean. I DID NOT want to go to treatment. I really want to be lying on a beach somewhere. I do not want this to be happening. But my husband always knows just what to say. His advice was not to worry about surgery, and the bag, and the recovery, and the hospitalization, and more chemo. It's too much. Just worry about today. I'm going to focus on getting through today. And tomorrow, I will worry about getting through tomorrow. And I'm going to take it one day at a time. I can do one day. One day is nothing. I can do anything for just one day.

I'm seeing the good in all of this. I didn't think I would ever say that. I thought if I ever did say something as cheesy as that - it would be a total complete lie. But I mean it, I am seeing the good and I am grateful for the good. I pray a lot more. I pray the whole time during my radiation treatment. I hadn't thought about that until my neighbor, who is a survivor, said she said the Lord's prayer over and over again during her radiation treatments. Most of my prayers are prayers of gratitude. This is making me a better wife, a better mother. I am not taking these minutes for granted. I'm crying more, letting myself cry. Hardly ever in pity or in sadness, usually because life is just so darn beautiful. I was putting Griffin (3 yrs old) and Kate (9 yrs old) to bed last night and they have their own rooms but Griff likes to have 'sleep-overs' with his older sister. Watching him be so sweet with her, holding her stuffed animals for her and tucking her in and watching her do the same for him, and them snuggling as I sang to them, it was just too much. So much sweetness! Ahh! Love them.

This isn't all sunshine, lollipops and roses but we are making it through. Thanks, in large part, to those who are holding our hands through this process. And let's be honest, sometimes carrying our limp, battered bodies. You people are incredible.

Ok, enough sappiness.

In case you didn't hear, apparently science has solved the mystery as to why I have cancer. Everyone is trying to figure it out, I have heard ALL SORTS of explanations/theories and my sweet friend Jeni sent me the answer -

http://time.com/2976464/scientists-say-smelling-farts-might-prevent-cancer/

Yep. I am a fart avoider. If I catch even a tiny little whiff of a toot, I hold my breath and find clean air. And dutch ovens - you know where your husband farts under the covers and traps you in them and makes you smell it - oh no! That has never been ok with this girl! (Although Matt insists his farts don't smell and actually, come to think of it, he isn't very stinky. Oh gosh, that is it!!! My husband's farts don't stink! It's his fault!!!!)

Anyway, so there it is. I didn't smell enough farts and now I have cancer. So everyone can stop asking me why I have cancer because from here on out, I'm saying that this is why, hahaha!