week 2

I have now completed 2 out of the 6 weeks of radiation treatment. Since tomorrow is a holiday, I don't have to get treatment or take my chemo pills. I am hoping this weekend is like last weekend and the nausea eases.

To be honest, I'm feeling pretty gross which is why I haven't posted at all this week. I don't want to be negative, or complain or be grumpy. But I'm feeling pretty rotten. One of the many reasons why we were done having kids was because I hate that first trimester of feeling super nauseous and food being so completely and totally disgusting. Grocery stores are my worst nightmare and doing dishes just straight up isn't possible. This is exactly how I feel when I am pregnant. But when you're pregnant - you get a baby at the end. No baby - I get to have a tumor cut out of my body. I am terrified to have surgery. Terrified. I'm nervous for the double dose chemo after surgery. There is just not much to look forward to. I feel this awful with one chemo med, I can't even imagine what two meds are going to do to me.

Can I be honest for a sec?

Can I be honest and you not think I'm losing the faith or being negative. I get it that I have to be strong and I have to be positive because that has everything to do with healing, but can I just say what I want to say and you not conclude that I'm going to die because I feel this way for a second?

I don't want cancer.

I don't want this to be happening to me. I want this all to be some horrible, ridiculous nightmare. I don't want to be cancer girl. I don't want to be 'inspirational' or 'amazing.' I wonder to myself, what if I just didn't go to the hospital today? What if I just don't take these pills? No one would know. I don't want these things to be happening to me. I'm mad that they are. Mad mad mad.

I wonder if this is normal - maybe this is another stage? Are there stages for accepting that you have cancer like their are stages for grief? I should probably get a book. A 'How to deal with the fact that you have cancer and you are 31 and you have 4 kids and it's summertime and you are ruining their summer' book. Send me the title of the book if you come across it, ok?

I didn't realize it until just now, but I'm mad. I'm mad that this is happening to me, to my husband, to my kids. I'm mad that I feel so crappy. I'm mad that I have to have surgery and a bag and all these crappy things that I haven't even told you all about yet (and I probably won't because girl has to draw a line at some point.) It's just awful. This is awful. I'm mad that my one trip this summer was cut totally short because of stupid cancer. I see the pics of all your awesome summer vacations and I am so jealous I can hardly see straight. I want to go on vacation. I want to be out of this 110 degree heat. More than anything - I want to be healthy. I'm so jealous of your non-cancerous butts!! Haha, seriously. Lucky ducks.

I don't want to be mad. I want to be amazing and inspiring. But I'm just not. I'm a bit of a train wreck. I always have been and I have always been ok with that. I don't know how I'm supposed to get through this. I have so much going for me - wonderful family, friends, my faith - but in the end, I've got to get through this, I have to be tough enough. I know somewhere deep in me, I can be tough. I can do this. One of my favorite songs right now says "There is fight in us, I know. That it will take more than a heavy rain to silence us, when there's so much for us, I know" (Dashboard Confessional, The Widow's Peak.)  I listen to that song over and over again because it just makes me want to punch cancer in the face. I know I have it in me. It's just hard to remember that when I feel so disgusting.