I have a lot of time to think these days.
I wonder if the guys I dated before I met Matt, if, when they hear about my condition, think to themselves "Wow, I really dodged a bullet there!" I mean, they should think that to themselves anyway because I'm a walking disaster but I wonder if the cancer really puts a final nail in that coffin.
I wonder if Matt, when he considers all the MANY girls he could have chosen for his wife, if he regrets choosing me. I'm a dud. Who gets cancer at 31? Poor guy.
I wonder about my children and how this will all affect them in the end. If they will have lifelong trauma because of it or if it will just be a blip. A blip in an otherwise normal, happy childhood.
A few weeks ago we were meeting with the stake president (he is the leader of our area) and Matt was discussing all of the things that could go wrong. He said something like "she could become septic after surgery" and the thought came into my mind, fully formed and very direct, "that is how you're going to die." Crazy right? I wonder if I'm going to die. Crazier things have happened.
I wonder if I will ever get to the point that dying is ok with me. It's NOT OK WITH ME right now. That is my one caveat. The Lord has my complete devotion and my whole heart, but he's not allowed to kill me. I'm not ok with that. That is the one thing that I won't give him.
Throughout this process, even before my colonoscopy, through a series of experiences, we knew that it was bad. We didn't know for sure that it was cancer but we knew it was bad. And we both had the impression that "It was going to be very hard but it's going to be ok." I wonder if God's 'ok' and my 'ok' are the same thing. I'm really hoping they are. I'm ok with anything short of dying.
I wonder what it's like to be you. To be reading these dramatic words. I wonder if you think I'm being silly. Or overdramatic. I wonder if you are crying. I hope you're not but I know some of you say you cry every time you read my blog. I wonder if you know how much I appreciate you, that you care enough to read my blog and cry on occasion and check on me. It's really very amazing to me.
I wonder about strangers who read my blog. I am able to see where people live that are reading my blog. Alaska. Peru. Argentina. South Korea. All over the U.S. I see that you come back week after week. It is just amazing to me, that you check in on me. I wonder why you do. Did you find my blog because it has 'butt' in the title? Haha. I REALLY hope not! But really, you silent strangers, what makes you come back? I just wonder about it.
I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, sharing my story like this. I wonder if I will regret it at some point. If being this vulnerable will haunt me later. There is stuff that I draw the line at (I have blog posts that I keep as drafts because it is just TOO MUCH INFORMATION!) and I wonder if the line should be different.
I wonder what I'm going to look like when this is all over. Not just physically but emotionally. My personality - will I be permanently angry? Will all of this just make me resentful and bitter? Will the menopause and the radiation and the loss of functions - will it just be too much to handle with a smile on my face?
This is all floating in my head constantly, day and night. It's a lot. So if I don't return your call or your text, please understand. If you are talking to me and I'm fumbling my words, it's because I'm not just having a conversation with you, I'm talking myself down off the ledge in my own head. If you are still waiting on that thank you note for a gift or a meal you have brought me, I'll do it, it will get done but not only have I forgotten where I put my notebook that has all your names and what you've done for me, but I just can't quite find the space in my brain or the emotional capacity to try to put into words my immense gratitude. I don't think it's chemo brain so much as it is 'I'm trying not to panic' brain. Deep breath. I'm going to get through today. Today is easy. Chemo meds, lab draw, oncologist, radiation. Home. I can do today.
I love you.
ReplyDeleteAshley, thank you so much for sharing that. I am really just so sorry that 1. you even have to deal with cancer. It seriously blows. Cancer sucks and it's just not fair. I don't know how else to put it. And 2. I am so sorry you have such intense, emotional and scary thoughts going around in your head non stop. I want to make sure you KNOW one thing though . . you are a Daughter of God and you have WORTH. Don't ever doubt that you're not worthy of people's prayers or their concern or their hope for you. Honestly, you have people checking on you from all parts of the world ( complete strangers even ) because you are worth it. People who don't even know you just adore you. You have so so so many people rooting for you and fighting along side you. And holy heck, you're nuts if you think Matt isn't a lucky dog to have you !! He is the luckiest and I have no doubt he knows that. And you're luck to have him. You guys have an incredible, Eternal family that will stand strong through this storm - no matter the outcome. The Lord has a plan. It's an incredible plan and it's one pure joy and happiness. Maybe that joy and happiness won't be here on Earth but somewhere, someday it will be there. You're fighting this my friend. You're doing an amazing job. I don't blame you for feeling the way you are. It's reality and it's something you have to think about day in and day out. But for what it's worth, you're doing it with such grace and dignity. I admire you more than you will ever know. You have an army of hundreds - even thousands - of people behind you. When you start to fall, we'll be there to carry you. When you get too tired to fight, we'll take over and fight until you're strong again. But never forget that we're there !
ReplyDeleteI always write a huge novel on your blog posts - sorry ! I hope you don't mind. Most of my comments are total rambling and probably don't make any sense anyway. The point of my comments is this : I love ya and I am cheering you on. Rock it sistah !
Love you Ashley!
ReplyDeleteI am one of those strangers that happened to find your blog today....You are hilarious, sweet and most of all brave....you keep on writing Ashley and I promise to keep on reading. .much love and prayers to you. ALI
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I have never regretted for one instant that I tricked Ashley into marrying me. I only home to be the source of strength she can rely on as we travel beyond this moment together.
ReplyDeleteNot to mention those other girls were lame and had drama. Not real drama like cancer, but lame drama like, "I'm not marrying some poor cop". It's too late for Ashley tho, she's stuck with me. Knocked her up with four kids, bought her three houses and if that wasn't enough, she needs my insurance to keep fighting this cancer. So she's stuck with me!
Oh Matt you are awesome! And Ash, you're blog is amazing! It's inspiring and completely you! I love that you can really open up it makes dealing with being so far away so much easier! I love you sis and am thinking and praying for you constantly!
ReplyDelete^^^ haha that was hilarious of your hubs to write! I think you are freaking amazing. I read your blog each time because my family (Katie, Abby, maybe the boys) have known you guys for years and have talked about you guys and how awesome you and Matt are. I was just so shocked and saddened to hear you are having to deal with such a trial in your life. And let me just say, in case no one else has said it yet (I don't normally read the comments people leave for you) NO ONE IS WAITING ON A THANK YOU CARD FROM YOU!!! So please don't let that be one of the things you worry about! My mom (Claudette) tried to post something on your fb wall, but didn't actually tag you in it so I'm not sure you ever saw it, so if you didn't you should go search on her wall for it. It goes right along with your very last sentence in this post. My little family continues to pray for you each night. You are not alone. I say abuse the crap out of priesthood blessings to help you get through this trial! Stay strong Ashley, you can do this :)
ReplyDeleteWe ❤️ you girl.
ReplyDeleteGirl, I've done the septicemia thing, you should pass on that one. I can just tell you about it instead. ;) Though it would probably seem a walk in the park after what you're going through. <3 <3
ReplyDeleteI'm one of those strangers, too ... Well I do know Katie Harris and Annalee Hunsaker and I see they've made comments here. Anyhow, I keep reading because I'm amazed by how you are handling this trial. It's refreshingly honest, optimistic and even humorous. But your honesty is what I love most. I am hopeful for you, that you can beat this cancer. You are a great example and I hope that if/when (OK let's be honest, that's a "when") I have to go through something like this and it's my "turn" that I can handle it in the same way.
ReplyDelete