all the things that I don't know

Q: Is it for sure cancer?
A: I don't know. I should get the biopsy results tomorrow (Tuesday.) The doctor says he believes it is cancer, since the tumor is irregularly shaped and bleeding. In his 30+ years of being a doctor, he has never seen a tumor like this that wasn't cancer.

Q: When do you start treatment?
A: I don't know. I have a follow up appointment with my colorectal doctor next Monday the 9th. We will come up with a game plan and he will refer me to an oncologist.

Q: Where are you going for treatment?
A: I don't know. My doctor refers people to a place called Ironwood Cancer Research Center or something like that but I haven't been super impressed by what I have read about that place. I am hoping to go to MD Anderson but that is still an unknown.

Q: How do you feel about _______? (Like, how do you feel about alternative medicine or are you going to do this specific kind of chemo, etc.)
A: I don't know. I am intentionally remaining as uneducated as possible until I know exactly what I am facing. When I was struggling with infertility I took the opposite approach and educated myself about every single possible thing that might have been the cause of my inability to get pregnant. All that did was get me all worked up about all sorts of things that had nothing to do with my actual issue, which was recurring cysts and endometriosis. I have learned from that experience and I am waiting to know exactly what stage I am and exactly what kind of cancer it is and exactly what the plan is before I start picking it all apart and trying to figure it all out for myself. I'm not saying that I am not going to become educated, quite the contrary, but I am not going to get all worked up about all the random possibilities. I can wait. It's all scary and there are things that I am just not ready to really accept yet (hello - colostomy bag) so I'm waiting until I have the facts.

Q: What stage are you?
A: I don't know (are you sensing a pattern here?!) I believe my doctor will tell me what stage I am at my appointment on Monday.

Q: What can I do to help you?
A: I don't know! Every time someone offers to help, my stomach does this uncomfortable twisting thing. I really struggle with accepting help. And truly, there is nothing to do right now. I know in the future I'm going to be sick from  the chemo and then having to recover from very invasive surgery but right now, all I really need are prayers. I can quite literally feel the prayers. I've never experienced anything like this before and it's truly amazing to know that so many people are praying for you and worried about you and love you.

Q: Who knows about what is going on with you?
A: I don't know. My family knows. Most of Matt's coworkers know. I told my young women yesterday at church, and I was so grateful that I was the one that got to do that and they didn't hear it from anyone else first. I told my YCL's since I won't be going to camp in a few weeks and we've been working together to prepare for camp for months now. I have tried to contact my close friends but it is just so emotionally exhausting, telling each person; I think I need a bit of a break from that for a little while. It's just so awful to be the bearer of such bad news. It breaks my heart to hear them cry and be so worried for me. And since I don't know for sure if it's cancer, I'm waiting to tell the world until I know for sure. I have noticed that I actually feel way more comfortable around people that don't know what is going on with me. I see the pity and worry and sadness in the eyes of the people that know and it makes me so uncomfortable. I just keep telling everyone that everything is going to be ok, I just want to make them feel better and just be treated normally. But I know this isn't normal and I know that I would be the same way if the roles were reversed.

Q: How are you?
A: I don't know.... I really don't. I kind of feel like I might just break down completely at any minute but I'm seeing how long I can go before that happens. I haven't curled up into a ball crying hysterically yet. I think that might happen tomorrow when I get the biopsy results back. I'm hoping it doesn't. I figured I would do that after I was told there was a tumor and it was likely cancer, but I've actually been pretty calm about it so far. I mean, I've cried here and there, but no real breakdowns and nothing hysterical or dramatic. I want to be brave. I feel different, I feel like I am snapping at silly little things and getting overwhelmed really easily. I feel more fragile. I am even more forgetful than normal which is just super fun for my husband because I was already a bit of an airhead and now I'm just totally annoying! I feel like I am working with 1/10th of my brain and the other 9/10th's of my brain is just in panic mode. I also feel like I'm treating my kids better and loving them better. I'm slowly slowing my life down so I can enjoy it more now, while I'm healthy and before I'm sick.