why I have cancer

 June 13th was the 13 year anniversary of the first day Matt and I met.  From day 1, he just seemed too good to be true. I couldn't believe a man that incredible, and incredibly good looking, was interested in me. Me!?! Of all people?! The first 5 years of marriage was spent me worrying all the time - convinced that it was just too good to be true. He had to have some dark secret, some awful addiction, maybe a whole other family that he was hiding somewhere. Poor guy. It's not that I didn't trust him, I just didn't trust our perfect little life. This is not to say that we didn't have our own challenges and trials, but even then, they were minor and manageable compared to the suffering of so many. I kept waiting for the shoe to drop, for the awfulness to appear. After a little while I kind of just assumed that somehow we were spared and that we were just incredibly lucky.

I don't believe that God 'gives' people trials. I don't think he picks a person off a list, matches them up with some horrible malady or tragedy and says "Good luck with that one. Hope you make it through." I think that good things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people. Bad things happen to good people and every once in a while, bad things happen to bad people (but not nearly often enough.) I feel as though God is there to help you through the bad and to celebrate with you during the good.

Not very many people get to go through life unharmed or untried. Life is inherently unfair. The vast majority of trials are endured quietly, unseen, and unshared. The burden is carried by the one going through the trial, and sometimes if they know Him, the Savior as well. I recognize that there are people all around me who are struggling with trials just as great, if not more so, than my own. I have chosen to make this experience public, and by so doing I have been immeasurably blessed with an outpouring of love and support.

I kind of feel like I have to write this next part because of some really random and sometimes really offensive things people have said to Matt or I.

I did nothing to deserve cancer.

I have never smoked, done drugs of any kind or had even a sip of alcohol. I don't even drink caffeine because I don't like soda.

I don't take pharmaceutical drugs of any kind. The only pharmaceutical drugs I have taken in my entire marriage was when I was trying to get pregnant with the twins (clomid) and with Wyatt (femara.) Prior to marriage, I took Accutane two different times because I was a zit face. Oh yeah, and percocet for 3 days after each of the times I gave birth.

I eat. I get it that I am thin but I eat. I eat a well balanced diet. Could I and should I eat more fruits and vegetables? Yes! I think that is a universal thing. Did I seriously get cancer because of this?! I don't think so.

I only eat red meat maybe once I week. I don't really like ground beef and all the other red meat is too expensive. Apparently red meat is a colon hater but this doesn't gel with my habits.

Sugar feeds cancer. I keep hearing this over and over again. Ok well I have dessert on Sunday and maybe once a week I will splurge and have a bowl of ice cream or something like that. And that's it. I don't like chocolate, I don't have bowls of candy at my house. I have a sweet tooth to be sure, I am all about the cupcakes, but if I have a cupcake that week, the bowl of ice cream will have to wait till next week. Most days I don't have time for sweets. I don't have time to bake. I'm too cheap to buy sweets and I don't like being tempted by it so I just don't have them at my house.

I have a lot of young readers and so this is a bit difficult but I think it's gotta be said because people are gross. How do I say this ... hmmm ... nothing I did in my bedroom has anything to do with what is going on with my butt. Nothing. You would be SHOCKED at how many people think it does have something to do with it.

I don't work out on a regular basis but I am far from sedentary. I have 4 kids, what was once a thriving career, and church responsibilities. Sunday, after the kids went down to bed, was pretty much the only day I would sit and watch tv on the couch for any amount of time. Unless it was football season. I was pretty sedentary on Sundays during football season. Did that one day a week cause me to get cancer. I sure as heck hope not because if it is - you're all screwed!

I get it that people want to figure out why I have it so they can tell themselves they will never be in my situation. This is a scary situation. I don't wish this on anyone! I would do anything and give anything to NOT have cancer. But while you are asking me all these random things about my life, each inquiry feels like an accusation. I get it that I am probably over sensitive, and very emotional right now, but I don't appreciate the interrogation. I'm not writing this out of anger, but in hopes that any and all questions of what I did to get cancer can hopefully quiet down for a little while. And I'm not even writing this to a specific person. This has all been such a whirlwind, I can't really even remember the specific people who have asked me these random things, but I feel like I just want to answer them all at once - just get it all out there.

I likely have cancer because of genetics.

And just ... because.

I've never said "why me" because seriously, why not me?

I will tell you why. This is why I have cancer, are you ready? Because it was my turn. We have had this truly idyllic little life together and it was our turn to go through some not fun stuff. I see now the Lord's hand preparing me for this experience and I see His hand leading me through this experience. It will be for my good. I will come out of it better, we will come out of it better, and it was not anything I did to 'deserve' it. The shoe has officially dropped and to be honest, I'm so glad it's me and not any other member of my family. I'm SO glad it's not Matt getting hurt, or worse, at work. I am so glad it's not my children - I could not bear it. If one of us had to have something happen to them, so that we could have a reality check, I thank Heavenly Father every day that it was me. Truly.

Cheesy post, maybe even a confrontational post, but I had to get it out of my head. No one deserves cancer. I don't deserve cancer. I'm going to beat it and get it out of my body and be a survivor and hopefully never have to deal with it again. The end.