why i can't keep working

this was originally titled "why I want to keep working."

An average school day in the life of pre-cancer diagnosis went something like this:

7:00 am - wake up
7:45- take the twins to school
8-9 - feed, bathe, clothe two little boys
9 am- Wyatt to preschool
9:30- Griff to playgroup
9:30-11 a.m. - Lash extension client
11:30 - pick up Griff
noon - pick up Wyatt
12:15-1:00- lunch
1:00- nap time for Griff, and sometimes Wyatt would take a nap as well
1:30-3 pm. - Lash extension client
3 p.m. - pick up twins from school
3:15-5 - After school activities (homework, piano, dance, baseball, scouts, activity days, etc.)
5-6:30 - Make and eat dinner
7 - Bed time for all 4 kids
7:30-9:00 - Lash extension client
9:00-10:30 - Lash extension client
10:30/11 - Husband comes home from work
11:30/12 - go to sleep

Ok are you bored yet? This might be boring but it's the easiest way to describe the craziness of my life. Most days I had 3-4 lash clients. I was as diligent as possible to only do lashes while my kids were out of the house or napping. I tried to only do lashes while my husband was at work.

I have been doing lashes for nearly 2 years. About 4 months ago I stopped accepting new clients, I was just too busy.

My clients are my friends. Some of my closest confidants. I know stuff about them and they know stuff about me that most people just don't. We spend most of the appointment talking and laughing. I look forward to each and every client. I like what I do. I like making women feel beautiful. I know it seems like a silly little job but I love it and I'm pretty good at it. Of course there are things I could get better at but I'm actually quite proud of the little career I had going.

I wanted to keep working because I wanted to not let cancer take everything away. It has already cost me so so much, more than I could ever write out and we have just begun the process. I wanted to keep working, just one client a day, so I had something to look forward to. If I had a bad day, it would not be a big deal to reschedule just the one client.

However, as I have tried to figure out my life for the next 5.5 weeks of daily radiation and as I look forward to the inevitable surgery, it just doesn't work out. I have to put my kids first. I need them to be as unaffected from all of this as possible. And to keep working would be to put my interests ahead of their needs and that is just not ok. There is also the fact that when I do lashes, I am literally sitting right on where I am receiving treatment. Right now, after just 2 days of treatment, it looks like a pretty fantastic sunburn. It's only going to get worse and more difficult to do something as basic as sit.

I came to this conclusion last week but only in the last few days have I been able to tell all of my remaining clients that I just have to stop. It has been an incredibly difficult decision for me. Today is my last day of doing lashes for ... well I  have no idea how long. I guess in a way though, I feel blessed to have had something that I loved so much and that I am so proud of. Had the cancer been found 2 years ago, I wouldn't have had this. I wouldn't have these amazing women in my life. I wouldn't know their stories and they wouldn't know mine.

What I have been given is way more than could ever be taken away.