how I told the world

The day of my colonoscopy, the day they found the tumor and told me 4 or 5 times (thanks to the versed- the amnesia medicine) that I had cancer, I had a decision to make. Who am I going to tell? To be honest, my first inclination was to keep it as quiet as possible. I had butt cancer for heaven's sake! I didn't want to talk about my colon or rectum or sphincter. Ah! It's just so embarrassing! Haha. But I realized that keeping it quiet was not going to be possible. So then I had another decision. How on earth do I tell people that I had cancer? I know some people probably think it's pretty cheesy or classless to announce on Facebook and Instagram that you have cancer. I get it. But I honestly didn't know how else to do it. I wanted to be the one to tell people and I wanted them to know that I was ok. I'm  not curled up in a ball, I'm not a train wreck, I'm doing ok and I'm ready to face this fight. 

On Tuesday, June 3rd I received the biopsy results. It was cancer. And Matt must have misunderstood when he was processing all the information from my colonoscopy - it was rectal cancer. 

Rectal cancer is worse for a lot of reasons, #1 being that I have to say RECTAL!! Ugh! Haha, the first few days I would call it colorectal. Like adding the colo to the front of rectal made it less awful to talk about! Rectal cancer means that my chances for having a poop bag OUTSIDE OF MY BODY (oh my gosh, can you think of anything more disgusting) goes way up. The doctor was optimistic that we could hopefully avoid that but yeah, it's a definite possibility. But here's the thing, I just want to live. I would really like to live to raise my children and be married to my incredibly hot, incredibly wonderful husband for the rest of my hopefully very long life. So if I have to have a poop bag - ok - I can deal. I just want to live. 

A little while after I got the results, I posted this picture on Instagram and Facebook along with the words "Today it is official - the biopsy results are in- have colorectal cancer. That's right, butt cancer. For the full story, you can read my blog at.... Thank you for those who already knew this was happening, your texts, emails, calls, visits, notes, flowers and most of all prayers are appreciated more than you could possibly understand. Love you!" 

I think it's funny that I forgot to put "I" in there. I forgot to put "I have colorectal cancer." I re-read that over and over again before I posted it, but it was like I was still in denial that this was all happening to me. I was able to fix it on Facebook but darn Instagram wouldn't let me. 

Within minutes, my Facebook friends reacted with so much love and compassion, I am still at a loss for words. 

That day, my sweet friend Kami made this 

and dozens of people changed their profile picture to the Team Ashley badge. 

I can talk about cancer all day long and not get even the least bit emotional. 

But every time I see someone change their profile to this, it just brings tears to my eyes! I am just so grateful for all the support. I can't even put it into words, it's just really amazing to me. 

For the record, you guys don't have to keep your profile pics up for all of my cancer treatment, hahaha! I so appreciate the gesture, and to see all the Team Ashley's on my facebook feed is just really fun, really amazing, so so touching but I feel bad! My husband is in law enforcement, and when an officer is killed in the line of duty, I will sometimes change my profile picture to the badge and I never know when it is ok to change it back. I usually wait till the funeral. But in my case, there is going to be no funeral. I'm going to beat this and it's all going to be ok but it's going to be a long road and I don't want anyone feeling like they can't have their cute profile pics on Facebook! Ha! I love you all so much, so so so much. 

So as of today, here is where we stand. 

Yesterday sucked. It sucked big time. I had told Matt, the night before my ultrasound, that it was stage 3. He told me not to be negative. I told him, I just know that is what it is. 

The doctor (who is a partner to my doctor - he did my ultrasound because my doctor is out of town) wouldn't commit to a stage and that has me all kinds of freaked out. But the tumor is as big of a tumor as it can be, it is likely in my lymph nodes and has been there for 3-5 years. 

I can't really talk about that right now. 3-5 years. CRAZY. Especially since I was in a doctor's care at that time and had told him what was happening and he dismissed it as nothing but internal hemorrhoids without actually doing an exam. Pretty upset folks. 

Anyhow, MD Anderson called me yesterday afternoon and they are trying to get me in today (Friday, the 6th) or Monday. I will meet with my oncologist and radiologist since I will need both chemo and radiation before surgery. Then we will do surgery and remove the tumor. Then I will have chemo again to kill any remaining cancer. 

See, I get it that this is happening to me. But it's still just crazy town that this is happening to me. Just wild. 

I have this theory that only the best of people have tragedies happen to them. Only the nicest, sweetest, soft as cashmere people have scary stuff happen to them. So I had a plan. Just keep enough edge and I'll be fine. My husband won't be killed in the line of duty, my kids will be healthy, we will all be fine because, let's be honest, I'm a bit of a brat. Gotta keep that up so we will all be ok. 

So I'm shocked as can be that this is happening! Haha, the Lord has the wrong girl! I NEED to live till I'm 90- I've got too much stuff to work on and repent and soften out! I need every single one of those years to become calm and sweet. I'm sure hoping the Lord realizes that and gives me all the time I need.