floating over my head

So the thing about cancer is that you have to talk about it all day long. Every person that calls, or stops by or to every new tech/nurse/doctor - there is a lot of cancer talk. I feel like I talk about cancer all day long. It's fine. It really is. I am fine. I can talk about it all day long and not get emotional. I get emotional when I talk/think about everyone's kindness and sweet acts of service, but with my actual disease, I'm kind of like, it is what it is. It sucks but it is what it is.

But every once in a while, I will be talking to someone, going through my diagnosis or symptoms or the treatment protocol, and I will have this strange out of body experience where I can almost feel myself floating over my head and looking down at myself, hearing the words that I am saying and I just can't even believe it's me that is saying those sad things. I can't believe that I am cancer girl, and that it is butt cancer for crying out loud, and that this is now my story. It's just so strange.

And to be honest, I'm kind of proud about how I am handling the whole thing. I would have thought I would be in a permanent curled up ball, crying hysterically, all drama queening it up. I'm just not. Maybe when I am super sick from the radiation/chemo. Maybe after my surgery when I feel like junk. Maybe if they tell me there was nothing they could do, the tumor was too low, and I'll have to have a bag my whole life. Maybe then I'll lose it, but for right now, I'm doing fine. I'm sleeping. I'm eating. I'm laughing. I'm still me.

Speaking of which, I am so annoyed.

I received my latest Oriental Trading Magazine in the mail yesterday.



The cover was all about cancer! Colors for every cause! Bravery deserves applause!

I was so excited! Couldn't wait to get my blue stuff for colorectal cancer awareness.

But first I had to get through 22 PAGES of breast cancer stuff.

TWENTY TWO!

This picture shows only HALF of those pages.

Oh my gosh, the stuff was so cute! All about Rah-Rah 4 Ta-Tas! Pink passion is the best fashion! Don't be a sissy. Support your missy! 

Sunglasses, wings, wigs, socks, aprons, shirts, nail decals, ponchos, charms, backpacks, key chains, totes, a gajillioin bracelets, beads, necklaces, pendants, tiaras, hats, paper lanterns (! I'm obesssed with paper lanterns!! How does oriental trader know?! Obsessed.) I mean seriously, the list goes on and on. And some SUPER cute stuff! Like, I seriously wanted to buy it all. So cute! Couldn't wait to get to my 22 pages of stuff! Yay for cancer awareness! Yay for the blue ribbon! 

 Um.. yeah..

3 pages.

3.

I am serious. 3 sad little pages full of manly stuff because I have old man butt cancer. No tiaras. No wings. Not a paper lantern in sight. Sad sad pages full of prostate cancer awareness combined with colon cancer things here and there.

Not cool Oriental Trading. Not cool.

I wasn't popular in high school. I've never been part of the "in" crowd. I'm Mormon so that makes me weird and different, haha. And I've always been fine with that. I have always liked where I have been on the totem pole of popularity.

But this just bites! I want to have a popular cancer! I want the sexy cancer where all these doctors fiddle with my boobs not my rear!! I want 22 pages dang it!! Rectal cancer is cool, I swear! (no, no, no it's not.)

So that is my new mission. I'm going to make rectal cancer look cool. Maybe next time we'll get 4 pages.